I'm Not That Kind of Girl

Scrolling through Instagram, Pinterest and/or other blogs often leaves me w/ the disconcerting feeling that I’m not entirely a girl. If I was, I would be pinning outfits, instagramming pictures of these outfits, and then blogging about said outfits here. So forth with my hair and makeup, all done effortlessly while holding a Starbucks cup in my perfectly manicured hand.

I’ve never been a girly-girl; honestly, it just seems like too much work. But I am a girl, and I bristle at some of the ridiculous generalizations that get thrown at us. I mean, I’m scared of snakes and spiders, and if you’re a dude and don’t offer me your seat on the train I will plot how to trip you as you’re leaving the car; but this is just normal human behavior, my gender notwithstanding. 

So let’s not dance around it anymore; here are all the reasons I’m not actually a girl (well, the ones I could think of on the walk home from the bus at least; surely there's more):

- I don’t like wine. There, I said it. Cue horror. I’ll drink it, but only the super fruity shit, preferably out of a box. What is w/ this generation and all the wine guzzling? Do they think it’s healthier than beer? Do you know what wine is made from? Grapes…which are loaded w/ sugar. Speaking of sugar, I’ll skip the fruity drinks, too. Give me a beer. 

- I might lose a lot of followers w/ this next one (laugh out loud), but since I’m being so honest: I don’t like The Notebook. First of all, it’s not the most romantic movie ever. Second of all, Rachel McAdams' character is a spoiled, annoying bitch and I can’t feel anything for her but contempt. Third of all, Ryan Gosling isn’t all that hot. I’m not saying I would kick him out of bed or anything, but I am saying I’ll change the channel if this movie comes on. 

- I wasn’t rooting for Ross and Rachel. God, they’re annoying together. I love Rachel Green. Ross Geller is all right (but only after he got rid of that terrible Caesar halfway through the third season). But as a couple, they don’t make sense to me. I will admit though, that last scene in the finale when Rachel got off the plane…it gets me, I’m not a robot, geez.

- Hair and makeup. You could sum it up right there; my incredible lack of knowledge in this department might just banish me from the female world altogether. Have I ever used a curling iron? An eyelash curler? Bronzer in the correct way? Thinking, thinking….nope, I haven’t.

- I’d rather give myself a paper cut and proceed to slice a lemon than take a selfie and post that shit on Instagram.

- I’d never spend hundreds of dollars on a handbag, pair of shoes, dress, etc - except my wedding dress, which was hundreds of dollars. Not the shoes though, those were like thirty-five bucks and I can’t wait for summer so I can wear those strappy sandals all over town.

- My nails are almost never painted. This probably has more to do w/ the fact that I work a kitchen and no one wants to find nail polish in their profiteroles, but even when I worked in an office, I would rarely take the time to sit down and paint my nails. It’s such a production. Since I do it so rarely, it takes me like a half hour, and don’t forget the drying time involved, which I always do forget and end up smudging my index finger, so the whole process begins again. Painful.


Yeewuz said…
This post is ripe for jokes but I won't make any because you're (kind of) a lady.
Stephanie said…
I could have written this. I HATE THE NOTEBOOK. I do. Not even 'this boring, change the channel' I loathe that movie.
I'm not too far along in Friends, but I don't care for Ross and Rachel together either. I think I'm at the point just after Emily and Ross end it for good and he's all 'waaah divorced twice' annoying.
Brigid said…
That's right, I am a lady!

@Steph: ugh, Ross is kinda annoying, definitely my least favorite character. and I'm glad I'm not the ONLY girl who doesn't like the notebook!
Sarah said…
You left out that you are so bad with makeup that you once chased me with a mascara wand to try to get me to do your eye makeup before we went out.

I've actually never seen The Notebook, in part because I think it will just annoy me.
Jeanie said…
I've never seen The Notebook either, but probably wouldn't like it just because everyone thinks I should. (I can be contrary like that.) If I wrote this, I'd have to add another one to the list: *whispers* I don't like shopping. Somehow my zygote skipped class the day they gave out the shopping gene. I know people who could spend hours at a mall; if I'm in there for more than an hour you'll probably find me 'resting' in the mattress department at Macy's.
Brigid said…
Sarah, I think it was a makeup brush, not a mascara wand. Geez, I can do my own mascara....I hope.

Jeanie, I'm absolutely the same way! I used to love going to the mall, but now if I'm shopping for more than an hour or so, I'm right w/ ya on the need to rest. Preferably w/ an ice cream cone.