Sucker Punched by Groupon

I really need to unsubscribe from Groupon and the like. Rue La La makes me feel like shit b/c I still can’t afford their designer merch at “low” prices (and I don’t know half the designers they’re pushing). Living Social has tricked me more than once w/ their “local” deals that are 30 miles from me. I’m not driving a half hour just to score a $30 wash and blow-dry, kthanks. And Groupon? They took my ignorance innocence and shat all over it.

A few months ago Brent emailed me a link for sport team mascots pillow pets as one of their Groupon Goods. His email was all, Brig, I know how much you love Wally, why don’t you get him at this low price? Read: buy me Wally. I play along and browse the page and come across the Oakland Elephant, whom I absolutely need. 

And the Cub, since my sister lives in Chicago and I can just see myself w/ this guy the next time I’m Chi-town bound; first he’ll be a huge asset when I’m napping on the plane, then he’ll be a big hit at the Cubby Bear and make everyone so jelly.

Of course Brent has to rain on my parade and point out that we don’t need three pillow pets, our bed has enough pillows we throw off to go to bed anyway. I end up just buying Wally, who I have to say, has not really acclimated well. Each night he’s the subject of a heated toss between Brent and I, where he usually ends up knocking off the entire contents of my nightstand in Brent’s hurry to get him off his side. 

don't worry, he and Snuff have really hit it off

After all this, I was obviously chomping at the bit to get some more Groupon Goods cluttering up my house, this time in the kitchen. I saw a deal for a five-piece set of mixing bowls that were stainless steel, dishwasher safe, and included lids for each bowl. I know. I haven’t even told you the best part. The price: $7.99. If it sounds too good to be true, it’s definitely making its way into my home. I’m not a sucker, I’m just a savvy consumer, and I know these things are always exactly how they appear advertised.

how they were advertised

how they arrived

Those there are the biggest and the smallest bowls. I realize they look the same size, so I've included some objects for scale. The envelope next to the largest bowl is bigger than the bowl. And that next to the smallest bowl, coming in at just about the same length? A glue stick. A motherfucking glue stick. How am I supposed to get anything made in the kitchen w/ that? 

If I have a dinner party for Tinkerbell, Stuart Little and Polly Pocket I think I have the tools. But I can't have them over b/c Binx would go bananas. There goes my dream hosting gig.