I'm Not That Kind of Girl

Scrolling through Instagram, Pinterest and/or other blogs often leaves me w/ the disconcerting feeling that I’m not entirely a girl. If I was, I would be pinning outfits, instagramming pictures of these outfits, and then blogging about said outfits here. So forth with my hair and makeup, all done effortlessly while holding a Starbucks cup in my perfectly manicured hand.

I’ve never been a girly-girl; honestly, it just seems like too much work. But I am a girl, and I bristle at some of the ridiculous generalizations that get thrown at us. I mean, I’m scared of snakes and spiders, and if you’re a dude and don’t offer me your seat on the train I will plot how to trip you as you’re leaving the car; but this is just normal human behavior, my gender notwithstanding. 

So let’s not dance around it anymore; here are all the reasons I’m not actually a girl (well, the ones I could think of on the walk home from the bus at least; surely there's more):

- I don’t like wine. There, I said it. Cue horror. I’ll drink it, but only the super fruity shit, preferably out of a box. What is w/ this generation and all the wine guzzling? Do they think it’s healthier than beer? Do you know what wine is made from? Grapes…which are loaded w/ sugar. Speaking of sugar, I’ll skip the fruity drinks, too. Give me a beer. 

- I might lose a lot of followers w/ this next one (laugh out loud), but since I’m being so honest: I don’t like The Notebook. First of all, it’s not the most romantic movie ever. Second of all, Rachel McAdams' character is a spoiled, annoying bitch and I can’t feel anything for her but contempt. Third of all, Ryan Gosling isn’t all that hot. I’m not saying I would kick him out of bed or anything, but I am saying I’ll change the channel if this movie comes on. 

- I wasn’t rooting for Ross and Rachel. God, they’re annoying together. I love Rachel Green. Ross Geller is all right (but only after he got rid of that terrible Caesar halfway through the third season). But as a couple, they don’t make sense to me. I will admit though, that last scene in the finale when Rachel got off the plane…it gets me, I’m not a robot, geez.

- Hair and makeup. You could sum it up right there; my incredible lack of knowledge in this department might just banish me from the female world altogether. Have I ever used a curling iron? An eyelash curler? Bronzer in the correct way? Thinking, thinking….nope, I haven’t.

- I’d rather give myself a paper cut and proceed to slice a lemon than take a selfie and post that shit on Instagram.

- I’d never spend hundreds of dollars on a handbag, pair of shoes, dress, etc - except my wedding dress, which was hundreds of dollars. Not the shoes though, those were like thirty-five bucks and I can’t wait for summer so I can wear those strappy sandals all over town.

- My nails are almost never painted. This probably has more to do w/ the fact that I work a kitchen and no one wants to find nail polish in their profiteroles, but even when I worked in an office, I would rarely take the time to sit down and paint my nails. It’s such a production. Since I do it so rarely, it takes me like a half hour, and don’t forget the drying time involved, which I always do forget and end up smudging my index finger, so the whole process begins again. Painful.