Stupid Internet Lists

I hate thrillist. The stupid snarky articles, desperate to sound shrewd and sophisticated, but are nothing more than click-bait. I hate myself even more for always falling for it. I need to know these life hacks that are going to make me a morning person. I have to see the best burgers ranked around New England. I’ll just die if I don’t read about the ten kind of people there are on Tinder (from someone who is an active Tinder user, obviously).

I don’t know if they have actual Chef’s working there or just a bunch of pretentious hipsters, but a lot of their articles are about food hacks you need in your life. I love food; eating it, cooking it, reading about it. It stands to reason, then, that I would like their food pieces. But then they print trash like this and I can’t ever take them seriously:

17 Kitchen Skills to Master by the Time You're 30

Where to begin? I guess w/ the introduction paragraph, which makes me want to stab the author. Who cares if you’re 30 years old and your favorite meal is made entirely in the microwave? What does cooking food at home have to do with being a contributing member of society? Look, I would love if Brent joined me in the kitchen. I have visions of us working in total harmony, whipping up gourmet meals, totally in sync w/ each other’s movements. Then I remember that Brent can barely boil water. I’m not saying this to be mean; he’ll readily admit his helplessness. As much as I want him in there w/ me, I’m not going to force it. Why? Because he doesn’t need to know how to cook. I enjoy doing the cooking, so it’s a non-issue. Cooking isn’t something everyone should know how to do just because. Like driving. If you live in bumfuck central, you might think driving is a necessary life skill, but if you live in any major city, you’re perfectly content w/out your license. Brent is gasp 30 and his kitchen skills are limited to grabbing more parchment for me when I’m up to my elbows in dough and flour.

Know three ways to cook eggs. 

Um….for what? This toolbag writer may think eating the same thing every day is boring, but not everyone would agree. For just about a year, every morning my colleague would soft boil some eggs and slice up an avocado; breakfast is served. Every day I looked forward to that same meal; I only stopped b/c I'm not in that kitchen anymore (sad face). If you know what you like, you don’t have to go learning other techniques just because some stupid list says you should. 

Sharpen knives. 

I absolutely agree w/ this part….but the picture they have is of someone honing their knife. Which everyone confuses, so I would cut them a break, but fuck thrillist. In their smarmy quest for being cultured and all-knowing, their fact checker should have caught that. This comes with most knife sets; it realigns your blade. 

Sharpening your knife requires, well, a sharpener. 

I almost lost it after reading this: You're almost 30, and let's face it: those PTA meetings and bake sales are right around the corner. Don't be that parent who brings in cardboard donuts from the gas station.

First of all, just because I’m almost 30, what are you implying exactly? That I should be wanting kids? Or that I have them already, it sounds like, since I’m going to PTA meetings. Second of all, way to shame parents who already feel awful if they’re unable to bake something homemade for their kids’ fundraiser. Lastly, what moron is picking something up at a gas station? I think the writer didn’t want to say “supermarket” b/c the way grocery stores are now, you can find some bomb desserts there, most of which are better than any of the crap recipes thrillist pumps out.

I’m mad at myself for even pandering to this stupid site and for giving it more publicity on my widely read blog (hahahahahah). What can I say, I’m still holding a grudge after their post on endless McDonld’s fries turned out to be a rumor.