Lessons From the Weekend

When you register for your wedding, they actually do give you one of those scanner guns to walk around the store and scan whatever the hell you want. The gun is most likely from the year 1960 and will take approximately three scans per item to actually scan said item. 

That kind of scanning power? Absolutely goes to your head. Why yes, I do need a food processor, a food processor slash blender and an immersion blender, thank you very much. Counter and cabinet space? That’s for the fiancé to deal with.

Strong drinks are necessary after a morning of wandering the home department and scanning to your hearts content. I mean, it sounds like rainbows and butterflies, but it’s kind of a logistical headache if you didn’t think about what you need versus what you want and where all these shiny new toys are going (not that I forgot about the boring shit important details like that).

Strong drinks help you remember that in a few months’ time you’re about to have a kitchen stocked with nearly every item and appliance you’ve been drooling over for months, which gets you really excited to do some cooking. The same strong drinks will also help you forget that the griddle is freaking hot and when cheese and tomatoes have slipped out the tortilla and sizzled on the griddle for a while you probably shouldn’t put them immediately in your mouth. 

Your lips and the back of your throat can easily sustain burns from hot cheese and tomatoes. 

When the recipe says “cookie dough must be chilled before baking,” this is not a suggestion. Your cookies will all run into each other and be flatter than Miley’s derriere. No bueno.

Going up on an Oscar ballet against your fiancé isn’t a good idea, since he’s a dirty cheater who somehow found out all the winners ahead of time. 

Bette Midler singing “The Wind Beneath My Wings” will bring you to tears; blame it on the alcohol. 

Idina Menzel singing “Let It Go” will kind of disappoint you, especially since they chopped half of it out and you’ve been feeling the Demi Lovato version, anyway. 

It’s absolutely unnecessary for any award show to run until midnight. Eliminate half the Samsung commercials and wrap up half an hour earlier, Mondays are hard enough w/out staying up half the night to see who won best foreign film. 

Spending the night drinking and watching the Oscars will seem like a terrible mistake come 6:40am Monday. Not for you, but for your fiancé who actually has to get up. You don’t have class until 2:30, so for the love of God, turn off that alarm.

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