Letting My Freak Flag Fly

for a Dad who is always willing to throw his head back for an obviously arranged photo when he's probably thinking, why'd we have to have all these kids?

Happy Father's Day, all you people and pet dads out there. Enjoy the day grilling and golfing with a beer in hand. Or reading Us Weekly with a spiked lemonade, I don't know. Who am I to assume what any dads like, when I have the following oddities of my own: 

-Inevitable bathroom break

If I'm going to the movies, I have to go to the bathroom immediately before it starts. Even though I've gone before I left the house, when we first got to the theater, and maybe even once already during the previews. It's a total mental thing, b/c by then I don't even have to go, but I get in my head that as soon as it starts I'll have to. I always run to the bathroom when they start advertising the theater and concession b/c you know the movie is next and my bladder needs to be bone dry.

-Distracted by a mess

The main reason I feel like I'm always cleaning is that I'm seriously distracted by a mess. Why is that plate left in the sink when it takes me ten seconds to load it in the dishwasher; why leave a few crumbs on the counter when you can just as easily wipe them away? If a cluttered desk equals a cluttered mind and an empty desk equals an empty mind, I guess my mind is empty; a cluttered area will just distract me from everything else. 

-Almost prefer bland food

Growing up, my mom didn't season our food; this isn't a critique as much as a fact. Next to my parent's oven is a shelf where we kept some mugs, utensils, and the limited seasonings we had, which was a bottle of Mrs. Dash. There may have been some onion and garlic powder too, b/c I remember a shake of that in egg salad, but that's it. We had salt and pepper at the dinner table, but no one used them except for my dad. As an adult, I have a pretty hearty spice rack and enjoy getting creative with my flavors, but my palate still veers plain. 

-Eat my food in a specific order

Another odd food confession is that of a child; I eat my food in a very specific order. Now that I'm writing this, I feel like I've probably mentioned it before, along with the fact that I don't like my food touching. As I'm eating my meal, I think about what flavor or texture I want my last bite to be, and I base the order of my plate around it. 

-Don't like to use the trunk for groceries

I grew up loading the groceries in the trunk, but that was b/c my mom was shopping for a family of six. With me and Brent, our trips our usually two or three bags,since we bring our own canvas ones and load 'em up. It makes more sense to use the backseat, where they can be snug on the ground and not spill all over the trunk on a righthand turn. 

-Beyonce isn't royalty

This one might put a target on my back, seeing as how the Beyhive is batshit crazy. I like Beyonce; her music, her attitude, her positive message for women. I'm not bowing at her feet though, so I guess that makes me the odd one out. 

-Don't need my phone 24/7

Unlike pretty much everyone else, I don't constantly need my phone on me or feel naked w/out it. Especially now that we're back in the city and I can run so many errands on foot, I rarely have my phone on me for these trips. 

-Not above picking up change on the street

I saw someone walk right by a beautifully polished quarter the other day and I did a total about-face to scoop it up. I don't know if the majority of people just don't notice, or think they're better than stooping on the ground for a mere few cents, but I'm certainly not. 

-Not a girly girl but like high heels

I've never been a girly girl; my uniform could be free XL t-shirts, sneakers and unwashed hair. I myself find it weird that I like wearing heels, but I do. I don't know if it's because I'm short and like the added height they provide, or because I wear them so rarely it's like a treat when I do, but give me a few inches of heel and I'm walking a lot jauntier (probably b/c I'm working so hard to keep myself upright. I said I like wearing them; I didn't say I know how to walk in them).

-Bag my own groceries

When someone ahead of me in line is on their phone instead of bagging their groceries as the cashier rings them up, I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my mouth shut. Bag your fucking groceries, is what I'd like to say, but I usually just clench my jaw while Brent tries to distract me with whatever looks good in the way of checkout candy. Seriously, why are you just standing there and adding more time to your supermarket trip; stores are always short staffed and baggers are a dying breed, so help the cashier out and start bagging.