Hot n' Heavy

Happy Valentine's Singles Awareness Day! Who needs a boo; all you need to have a good February 14th is a bottle glass of wine and a box piece of chocolate. 

Seeing as how I've been neglecting this here blog pretty badly lately (which conveniently coincides w/ how miserable I've been lately), I figured I'd pull this one from the archives. Enjoy.  

Last Minute Gift Ideas to Ensure a Fight With Your Valentine

Valentine’s Day. It’s either the best day of your life or the bane of your existence. I don’t get the great divide. When I was single, it was an excuse to watch cheesy movies with my girlfriends and gorge myself on chocolate with absolutely no judgment. With a boyfriend, it’s a great excuse to drop $ on some new restaurant we've been wanting to try, then go home and gorge myself on chocolate (he’s probably judging me, but who cares?) 

On my radio show this morning, they were reading last-minute Valentine gift ideas and ripping them apart. These “last-minute-gift-idea” lists are all essentially the same. And they’re all garbage. That’s what last-minute means. You couldn't be bothered before, but now that it’s crunch-time, you got a flash of brilliant inspiration and are going to pull something amazing out of your ass? Hardly. Here are my favorites from this list I found, where I outline why you shouldn't try to pawn off these terrible ideas on anyone - especially someone you claim to love.

1) Coupon for 30-minute massage from your mate: Is this cheap, played-out attempt still making the rounds? Don't even think of cashing in on this IOU; they've probably put some fine print on the back to make sure they won't ever have to do it.

2) Poem: oh, hell no. Nothing beats a nice note in a card. But that note should be accompanying something better else. 

3) Song: please don’t make anyone suffer through this – unless you’re Uncle Jesse or Robbie Hart, no one’s heart will be melting.

4) Upcylce: It’s pretty self-explanatory; you’re recycling something you don’t want anymore, attempting to revamp it into some cool new item. Except that it’s trash, remember; you don’t want it anymore. If you’re trying to rid yourself of an old, armpit-stained t-shirt by bedazzling it with hearts, you just rid yourself of a girlfriend, buddy. 

5) Cheap Green date: because nothing screams “You don’t merit the thought/money that would have gone into a real date” than taking your boo on a romantic walk along the Somerville bike path on a frigid February night. 

6) Pet: this one just makes me mad. There’s nothing last-minute about a pet. A pet is a HUGE responsibility. If you’re headed to your Valentine’s dinner empty-handed, don’t stop off at PetCo and pick up a puppy (they’ll rip you off; I would hope you would at least be adopting in your last-minute act of selfishness).

7) Classes: this one sounds like a good idea, but be warned. You register for cooking classes and she’s thinking “oh, so now my cooking isn't good enough?” And don’t even think of signing up for couple’s yoga; nothing ensures you won’t be getting laid on Valentine’s Day than by making your girlfriend feel fat.



Stephanie said…
I was determined to only read single ladies' blogs today... but I like you and I knew you'd be amusing. Those ideas are epically terrible. The pet one makes me mad too! Hawkeye is... I mean I love her, but... she's worse than caring for twin 2 year olds. Constant destructive force. But a cute one.
Brigid said…
aw, I'm glad I made the cut ; )

Seriously, who thinks a pet is a good idea? Here honey, here's a giant black hole for all your time and money. ahh, gotta love 'em (the pets, not the boys, obv)
5. You forgot to mention that there would be a bunch of drunk 21 year olds on the bike path and someone pushing a jogging stroller to block your way.

The best "green/cheap" date would be going to the drug store the day after Valentines and having the bf say "you can have whatever you like (from the half off candy bin)."