Ditch the Skinny Bitch (boot camp, at least)

In an effort to not have my entire family waiting around for hours at the finish line of the upcoming half, I’m trying to step up my game. This includes cross training on days off from running (did I really just use the term cross training? Barf). 

Normally I don't mind working out; before you think I’m some skinny bitch (hahahhahaha, girl please) or a poser (the only thing I pretend to like is football soccer baseball wait, I don’t pretend to like any of those) let me explain; I like food. A lot. And I feel like a work out = a free pass. I know that’s not even close to how it works but hey, whatever gets you up and moving, right? 

I was trolling the DVD’s at the lib when I saw the Skinny Bitch logo peeking out at me. I liked the book enough (although it would have been nice to know ahead of time it was wholly devoted to vegans) and figured I’d check out boot camp. Having two skinny bitches scream at me from the television about how fat I am; where can I sign up?

If anyone out there is interested in this workout, here’s a tip: poke your eyes out first so you don’t have to watch two airheads blatantly reading off cue cards and screwing up never-before-seen moves like V-steps and jumping jacks. Then chop your ears off so you don’t have to hear the strained banter that is trying to be all “hey girlfriend!” and comes off more “is butter a carb?” 

Calling this workout Boot Camp is derogatory to the routines out there that actually kick your ass. Side shuffling and squats? These are what separate the bitches from the babies? Which, beeteedubs, is a horrible tagline. First of all, I don’t think babies are medically allowed to work out. Second of all, why are we separating anybody? What kind of 1960’s workout did I sign up for? Third of all, why are you a baby if you have to do a “girl” push-up. Push-ups are fucking hard. You shouldn’t be calling someone a baby for doing the modified version. And the blonde was doing modified versions the whole workout, so is she a baby? And a skinny bitch? Wait, you can be both? I’m confused… 

During the cool down (which I’m embarrassed at having made it to), one of the dumb skinny bitches actually said “Don't forget to breathe. I’m such a bad breather!” Girlfriend, I think if you were a bad breather you’d be a dead bitch. 

Who works out w/ their hair perfectly curled anyway?


Jen said…
Eek! That sounds horrible!

I nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blog award today on my blog :) Check it out!
Stephanie said…
Except, now I really want to see it...
Malory said…
I used to go to a fitness class with a teacher that was perfectly coiffed and dry throughout the whole class. Meanwhile I was slipping in my own sweat. I hate those people. There's no point to this comment. But I feel your pain woman!!
Brigid said…
@Jen: Thanks, I'll check it out!

@Steph: don't say I didn't warn you...(but it might be worth checking out just to make fun of)

@Malory: ugh, those girls are the worst!