I Bet Tom Haverford Would Have Responded to My Tweets

Last night B and I went to see Aziz Ansari. It was my third time seeing him live and I was excited because he insisted that it was all new material. Like every time I checked his Twitter. Seriously, all you faux-fans, stop asking. It’s all new material.

When I saw him in NYC for the first time, it was at the height of my infatuation with him. I wore one of those racy outfits you see girls in at concerts and roll your eyes at because there’s no way Jay-Z is even going to be looking at you when Kanye is up there with him running around in a kilt. Lets be real.

I even made my friend wait around with me for like 20 minutes after his set. He must have thought he waited out all the crazy fans, and when he walked off the stage to exit the venue, I pounced. Good thing I’m not a crazy fan. Which I told him repeatedly while begging to get a picture with him. He was pretty excited about it.

he could barely contain his excitement

Last night B and I went straight from work, so there was no chance of wearing some hot little number. I guess I could have changed before the show, but who has the energy? Not this girl. B and I even got tickets to the early show at 7 because we knew we wouldn’t be able to make it with those crazy kids going to the 9:45 one. How do people stay up that late on a work night?

Don’t worry, there was no shortage of ridiculous outfits. As B and I were leaving, I commented on how there were a lot of skanks out. I guess tube tops are making a comeback. Along with strappy wedge sandals that tie up your calves. If only I had known; my tube top collection used to be pretty extensive.

Aziz and I are kindred spirits. He never fails to talk about his love for all things food and eating. It’s a great foundation for a relationship; he had me at taco. He’s always asking for good places to hit up in the cities he travels to, so I was pretty excited to tweet him yesterday while he was in Boston and let him know that I’d be happy to recommend some great eateries. Maybe even join him for a bite or two. I was vigilant about checking my twitter account for the rest of the day. When I hadn’t heard anything by the time we arrived at the venue for the show, I was a little put off. I wasn’t actually expecting Aziz to want to meet me for dinner. But to ignore my intimate knowledge of the cities best eateries? That was a slap in the face.

When he came out, I noticed his phone next to a bottle of water on the stool comedians always have on stage. When I’d seen him before, he’d use his phone to pull up funny text conversations as part of his material. Obviously he hadn’t tweeted me back because he was going to read the tweets during his set and ask me to come up on stage and marry him show the audience know how cool his fans were. I sat smugly back in my seat and waited.

It didn’t quite happen like that, and I started to get a little worried. But when he came back on for an encore, I knew it was almost time. He started in on how his little cousin really like Greek yogurt and wanted some free product, so Aziz suggested tweeting the company. OHMYGOD, THIS IS IT, I thought, the perfect segue. I looked over at B laughing and thought how great he was. I was really going to miss him when Aziz and I were stuffing our faces together after the show. Maybe Aziz wouldn’t have a problem with B tailing along. He’s cool like that.

Let me tell you, when Aziz reached for his phone to read my tweets, it was the coolest 30 seconds of my life. I thought I was dreaming when he called me up on stage. I had to make sure I didn’t tumble down the stairs from our seats on the highest balcony in the absolute last row of the theater. It all happened so fast. The deafening laughter. The proposal. The standing ovation.

Unfortunately, I had to turn it all down. A life on the road touring major cities and eating at lots of cool new restaurants just doesn’t appeal to me. I’m more of an 8-5 kind of gal. I don’t think I could handle all the first-class flights and swanky hotels. But that’s just me.

I gotta tell you, I'm a little disappointed in Aziz. He touts the value of tweets to get shit done for his cousin, but can't even follow his own advice