Proof that I'm a Morning Person

I’ve sort of forced myself into being a “morning person” in recent years. After being a night owl went out the window, since I can barely keep my eyes open past 10pm, and if I’m going out at night, I need advance notice and a nap. The end of the night owl era brings the start of the morning person, you might think. But you’re mistaken. I go to bed early. I strive for the recommended 7-8 hours of sleep. And I wake up ready for more sleep. Cinderella never had this problem. I bet if I had birds chirping incessantly and mice running around my house I’d be up and at ‘em, too.

The point is, I’m much more a morning person than B. We’re leaving the condo today and I see the newspapers stacked in the atrium on our way out. One of the headlines catches my eye: Schools to start August 28th. I comment to B on how early that seems. He doesn’t say anything, we head out the door, and he says something about how maybe we went back in time. This makes me think of the book we had both just read about these two high school students who went back in time to the Revolutionary War (written by my aunt, holla!), so I say something about how the next book in that series should be coming out soon. We get to the bus stop and see all the newspaper kiosks, and B asks if he thinks all these papers are from August 2nd, too.

Me: Huh?

B: You know, because that paper at the condo was dated August 2nd.

Me: What are you talking about?

B: That newspaper you were talking about, where kids are going back to school August 2nd.

Me: No, I said they were going back to school August 28th.

B: No, you definitely said August 8th.

Me: First I said the 2nd, now I said the 8th? You can’t even get your story straight. I said the 28th.

B: Then why were we having a conversation about going back in time?

Me: I don’t know. Half the shit you say is absurd. I just go with it.

A little later we’re on the train. It’s really crowded, and we’re packed in the middle of the car, but the first thing I notice is that the guy sitting in the seat I’m standing near has an open container of beer nuts. It requires pretty much all of my morning person strength to not reach in and grab a handful.

We get off the train and are walking out of the station.

Me: I just wanted to reach in there and grab some beer nuts so bad.

B: Oh, I thought you were going to say you wanted to reach in and grab that guy’s money.

Me: What?

B: The performer we just passed? I thought you were going to say you wanted to reach in and grab the money people had been throwing him.

Me: No, I wanted to grab a handful of beer nuts from the guy on the train.

We’re walking to work and I say something again about the beer nuts (what can I say, I have a problem). I mention how I almost grabbed a handful just to get the guy to shut up; he was one of those loose-cannon train riders who babbles on about irrational shit. I figured the surprise would be enough to shock him into silence.

B: Now you’re confusing the guy on the train with the performer in the subway.

Me: No I’m not. The guy on the train had the beer nuts. I never mentioned the guy in the subway until you brought him up.

B: You said you wanted to reach in and grab some of his beer nuts right as we were walking by him. So...he had the beer nuts.

Me: What? No! The guy on the train had the beer nuts! Forget the performer!

B: Brig, we’ve had two separate conversations this morning based on your faulty logic. You’re like five minutes behind on everything today.

Me: Screw you. I’d make an excellent eye-witness. You clearly are unaware of everything around you.

Sorry B; not everyone can be a morning person like me.